FEBRUARY 1998
Hey Mr. Superstar
I'm your number one fan
Hey Mr. Sickly Star
I want to get sick from you
Hey Mr. Fallen Star
Don't you know I worship you?
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Superfuck
I wanna go down on you
Cryptie
in gooseness my heart was won...
Ack! Who is this? Any suggestions? Mine is: It must be a drag queen!!! But then I took a closer look at his page and found out that this weirdo is Jamie Miller aka Cryptie. Cryptie thinks that he is the "Le grand goth" but I dare to say that he is the grandfather of goth gooseness because he is at the age of 35. Hm, I think at this age you should have got a life and act like an adult but he makes a fool of himself by pretending to be an "Industrial Vampirish Spiritual Romantic Goth" although we do all know that Cryptie is a Garlic Ghoul Goth Goose only. What's so vampirish, goose? I would really like to throw you into the daylight and see if you start to burn! If he does not "spiritually meditate with candles" Cryptie wanders through the night as a "very easy going open minded nocturnal Prince, searching for a Princess who will share her life with [him]". I hope that Cryptie won't take me to hell because of my joky texts as he is a Web Member Of The Satanic Network (whatever the fuck this may be; probably you must only have a vacuum in your head to get a member there)!
A very, very sad (and in my eyes painful, too) thing is that on his homepage he has an obituary notice because of his dead girl-friend and just a few lines later a link to a site where free porn pics are offered! This is even sicker than his "gothic" forklift picture. Cryptie is really no romantic goth as he tries to allege but a very horny goth goose. What a shame for all of us that he uses the word "goth" when Cryptie is talking of himself!
For those who need a good laugh (and I bet all of you out there do so) I advise you to read Cryptie's dumb vampire lyric:
And, hahahahahaha, have you always wanted to see a gothic forklift driver? If yes, go here! Shit, you must really own a damn good self-confidence to make a photo like this one. Notice: I am not making jokes about the job, indeed I respect it, but how the fuck can someone drive a forklift and wear white makeup at the same time??? This is !!! ...but also a reason for a good laugh, hahahahaha!
Woooohoooooo, this is sooooooo spooky! I am frightened so much that I can feel the piss running down my legs.
This Goth Goose was nominated by Mau Bast. My dear Mau Bast, I have to thank you a lot for this funny nomination. By sending Cryptie's URL you have made clear how we may never define the term "goth". Instead he is a good definition of what a Goth Goose is... Namely a poor human being on this earth!
Last but not least the thing you are always waiting for, the last words, my notorious Duke Nukem Rating: "It hurts to be you..."