"Hello, hello hello what have we here ?" I thought to myself when I came across the site of Dez Cuthulhu A.K.A The Demon Star (as this modest individual describes themselves) last week. Someone who obviously doesn't know much about their classic horror for starters. It's "Cthulhu" moron, and I doubt the great blackmange would even bother to stop and devour you were it ever to awaken from its eternal slumber. Still I suppose Dez can't be blamed for his ignorance - after all, Lovecraft's fiction can be a bit of a stretch for those with only basic literacy and misspelling a 'demon name' is the least of our Goose's worries.

No I think the first thing I'd worry about if I were 'The Demon Star' would be the risk of possible infection associated with mixing piercings and the mud/too much eyeliner/faeces (?) smeared all over my face in the retina-damaging picture I use on the main page AND on all the stupid roll-overs. Granted this fucking horrible pic might not be of Dez Cuthulhu himself but of someone from Coal Chamber ; I wouldn't know, I guess I don't watch enough of MTV's "Metal Zone" or whatever the fuck their "HarD-AsS EvoL FreAk'S HouR" is called. But if this IS indeed the case you just have to wonder how much UGLIER 'Call Me Kane' is that he considers this 'celebrity' face an improvement - SURELY IT CAN'T GET WORSE CAN IT ?

Speaking of stupid rollovers and bad images, this site like any true Goose's lacks the simplest of basics such as content or fully working navigation. Most of the buttons in the nav-bar (complete with another god-awful Dez pic and faux-mystic titles such as Air, Hell, Fire, Soul etc.) take you to sub-pages with promises of 'treats and alot of very cool treats' which never materialise. Instead this idiot 'treats' their surfers to some atrociously colour-balanced background images of corpses and the like, and eye-burning slabs of garish text pleading for submissions or (in the case of the envisioned Coal Chamber page I was really looking forward to) linking to another site's feed which doesn't exist.

Arghggllllftrprtz!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more please my fucking head hurts!!!

But alas no it seems there IS one more special treat Mr Demon Star has saved for us under the roll-over appropriately titled Soul (and I thought demons were soul-less! ... guess you never CAN tell with these mixed up Geese).

Yes kiddies, I'm talking about the piss-inducing 'bio'. Why piss-inducing ? Because I almost wet myself laughing when I came across this drivel. As I've already said, this moron tells us to Call me Kane. No thanks, I'd rather call you retard vampire-boy. Cane, Kane, Khaine - it's all the same bollocks ! Oh and what's this ? Age: Older than the sun moon and stars Actually dimwit you strike me as being all of thirteen. It goes on ... My hole life has been spent behind the veil looking out into those who would call themselves normal. I'd venture to say your 'hole' life has been spent jerking off so the blood doesn't enter your brain anymore and you come up with gobbledegook like this. Calling: Not for the eyes of the living. Yes, I'm sure nothing you do is a pretty sight. You probably drive a forklift Ugh !

And last but not least, also from the bio Quote: "Embrace the path of darkness to the palace of faith" Should read : Embrace the path of Gooseness to the palace of Mirth".

This Goth Goose was nominated & reviewed by Kafka.

Last but not least the thing you are always waiting for, the last words, my notorious Duke Nukem Rating: "There's no way I'm eating this shit!"

real goths laughed at DEZ CUTHUHLU since 14th February 2000